Okay, first off, I had my two month MRI yesterday and learned that the tumor shrunk another 30-40% !! Modern medicine, especially precision oncology, is f****** AMAZING. It's crazy to think that exactly two years ago I was being wheeled into brain surgery. I did have a Brainiversary last year but since I had a second surgery and three recurrences, the whole thing is a convoluted idea. I am just thankful I did not get my first surgery date tattooed on me or I fear I would have a lot of crossed out dates on my arm haha.
At this point I am a specialist in losing my mind and then getting it back. Three times now. This time is more gradual which is super weird. It 100% feels like I go through different dimensions, a sense of derealization that I can never truly describe. I knew in my gut I was coming back the last two months but didnt know if I could trust my own brain. I craved that feeling that I had after my two brain surgeries. The feeling of never being so alive. I call it a rebirth because everything in the world feels so new, bright with color. I was really scared that this time it would not happen because maybe I have become too damaged from the constant trauma to have that beautiful experience again. When I am with a tumor there is this aching emptiness like I am unable to feel fully. The world seems black and white and my mind insists that I will always feel hollow. It is a form of hell, very dark and lonely. As I come back, I literally start to see more color and I start hearing melodies in my head. I can feel again.
The past two months I started living again. After approval from my oncologist, having an occasional whiskey. Taking trips and even camping. Living outside of a very strict day to day that revolves around fasting and taking pills. For so long I waited to get the end of this and then start living but now I am learning to live in the limbo. The plan is to stay on the targeted therapy indefinitely because it's working and I am tolerating the drugs so well. I know that this is not over and very well may never be but the life lessons I have gained and the pure fulfillment of just being alive make all this struggle worth it. (Scan on right is from 4 months ago)
