I am not one to say that starting a new year changes everything but something has definitely changed since January 1st for me. I feel like I have come alive again. For the third time I have my brain back to myself. It just started a couple weeks ago and it feels similar to being reborn. It’s like I can see and feel for the first time. I have to say I LOVE this part so much. It makes the struggle worth it. It’s such a unique experience that feels spiritual. Everything is new and exciting. It’s like my soul has been cleansed and all of the darkness that the tumor has put upon me is gone. It’s actually strange how dark I feel when there is a tumor in my brain. Yes, the location definitely affects this but I can’t help feeling that it is similar to an exorcism. I suppose both are true in some ways.
I wish people did not have to confront their mortality to feel so alive but this is a high no drug can ever offer. It always feels like I have been gone or like in the movies, an alien or evil has taken over me and then when it’s gone, I reenter my body. Not many will go through this unique experience of losing yourself literally and then coming back but there are huge blessings in it. This is the third time so I like to think I am a pro at it but I LOVE THIS PART SO MUCH. I would be lying if I didn’t say that I am scared as hell that this will be taken away again but I have come to the realization that I know I will always fight back. I really like this about myself and find an inner peace in it.
I also believe the mind is insanely powerful. For example, the game Jenga reaffirmed this for me and surprisingly it is parallel to how life is. It was my turn and I looked and looked and as you can see the available options were impossible- or so I thought. I eyed the fourth piece down and with incredible patience, I slowly nudged the piece out and carefully set it on top. I told myself over and over again that I will do this and will not fail even though the stack was unstable and teetering. I guess finally having control over my mind gave me a realization that now feels like a superpower. Some rounds will be easy and others will seem impossible but if I am patient and strongly believe in my mind that I will, then in fact I will.
