I’m in LA. First time in many years. I forgot the feeling of magic that I get when I am here. I would come here a lot in my 20s with big dreams. For a second I have the thought “you are too old for these big dreams” and then I go “F**k it”. My time is now and I can feel it and if there is any time to break the norms of society and age in the music industry it’s now. I learned how powerful manifestation is over the past couple years and it’s time to erase these boundary lines in my mind. I feel fire, inspiration and drive.
Then my phone rings…Kaiser. Heart sinks. My reality slaps me hard in the face. LA disappears around me. “You need a head CT, when can you come in?” Poked, prodded and scanned life is back. I was barely out of the weeds and starting to live a life away from doctors, hospitals and worry. The truth is I have been having health issues again, one being I have a blind spot in my left eye. Same one that led to my initial brain cyst diagnosis. It’s cruel human torture to make me go through the EXACT same steps that I went through over a year ago but this time totally aware and able to feel emotions. A deja vu from hell. Back to the horrible state of being where I don’t know what is happening inside my body. Second guessing every symptom. I feel numb, then angry that my life story is going this way right now. IT IS SO HARD NOT TO SPIRAL. Thoughts like, will I need brain surgery again? If so, will I be the same person again? Will I be able to make music? Will I lose my vision? Will I survive? I also have an abdominal ultrasound soon and pray there’s nothing going on there. It all feels too much and I constantly ask why even though I know it’s useless. I just want to move forward and live life without thinking about my own mortality. I hate that my family also has to worry and go through this too. I feel paralyzed and it is hard to move forward with any of my personal goals when my head is filled with all this sh*t again.
I know deep down no matter what happens I will be okay. Don’t worry about me. I will get through this like I get through everything. I am a WARRIOR. Yes, it would be WONDERFUL to have all my scans come back clean but I also don’t want to be blindsided. Trying to be positive but when you go through what I went through these things are real and happen. I need more time and positive medical experiences to build upon. The war in my mind is a constant. I need to move forward even though I feel stuck. I will keep fighting to live in the moment, live to the fullest, and write about all the highs and lows.
“I have the courage of a thousand men
Most would be scared to be where I’ve been
But I faced my fears, didn’t sink I swam
In my pain I found how strong I am”
-Warrior, Sheila Star (Coming Soon)
